i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
