it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
