ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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