Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
