I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
