I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
