I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
