Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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