i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need a beard to bite.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
