Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
