I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
