the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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