If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
