im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
