Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize