tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
