Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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