the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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