I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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