Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Im part way to drunk.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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