dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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