I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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