Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
