Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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