Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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