Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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