wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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