i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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