so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
