last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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