im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
