That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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