Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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