Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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