I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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