her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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