Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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