there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
