He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
