Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
