I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
