My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
