could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
