He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
