Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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