Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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