My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
