I am puke
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
