you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
