Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize