So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They are going to name an STD after you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
