all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
