it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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