Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
