So drunk its hurt
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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