I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
