I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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