The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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