seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
