if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
