you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm really busy with my period
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