Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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