We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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