I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
