I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
