I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
